Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Fine Then.

One last one before Europe consumes me. See you in a month or so.

Stay. Ridiculously. Happy.

Oh Lord, isn't that sour. Good bye is
never easy, but for now it's all we
have. I hope you're wild. Go take adventure
on just like you're God creating the Earth -
it's everything, but, you really can't
screw up. Reach for the highest falls and the
grandest splashes and the loudest screams and
the rainiest nights and the hollowest
canyons and the most ferocious beds and
the rarest views and the harshest dreams and
the bravest wild, wild, wild yonder. Breathe it
all in and let it take you over so
massive that you can barely stand. Fall, fall
to your feet and stare up at the heavens
and see it all - look for every star and
every floating rock and every
comet and every blistered, battered
moon knowing that somewhere far, far away,
someone else is looking at the same moon
understanding for the first time just how
grand everything really is; just how
massive and untamed everything is;
just how little we really are and how
we're only lucky enough to see the
pretty colors hiding all the secrets
of the universe. Beneath the scene there
is more than we'll ever be able to
comprehend, something so brilliant and vast
that we can't even fathom, even when
we begin to wonder and dream we fall
ever so short. Even when we pick it
all apart and tear at it or scrape and
scratch we barely begin to see; only
in the destruction of these surroundings
do we begin to see how fragile and
precious and truly remarkable this
life really is; only in drowning do
we really see light; only in darkness
do we truly breathe; only in dying
do we come to appreciate this life.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Blending

New one. 4/20/07-5/10/07

Blending

Oh the random apartments! Oh the red plastic cups! The rage! The trance! The muuuuuuuuuuusic! Oh the twinkling, flickering Christmas lights twisting around us like the stars of the most distant galaxies, sprawled across the wall like our bodies dancing in the next room. I’m dancing with my friends. I’m dancing with strange girls I’ve never seen. I’m dancing dancing dancing with boys and girls and boys. I’m feeling some body I can't identify. I’m feeling its wrap around me and its tug and its gentle slide up and down. I’m feeling this body and we're sharing bodies and we're becoming the same body and finding our way to a bed covered with other guests' clothes, exchanging bodies atop the mound of cigarette stenched winter coats and scarves and gloves. We burrow through and break each other and roll to the floor and find ourselves always fleeing for the wrong embrace. We dig into the wounded wooded floor one in the same, tangled and twisted and preparing for liftoff as we soar through the ceiling towards the clouds and the great release of the Milky Way.

Oh the excitement! Oh the flash and radiant red juices soaring around and splashing and spilling and hanging on to our clothes to remind us the next morning just where we were last night. Oh the countless tapped shoulders in vein, all for missing friends, the strange looks and goddesses and loose belt buckles and tainted necks and fingers crawling beneath clothes like fugitive centipedes looking for a place to lay. In a fast moment we're all in the same stupor, we're all singing along to the teenage camp make out songs of our parents, we're ecstatic in this moment of misguided nostalgia and flooded bodies and grave decisions by overflowing skulls. And over there a girl screams but everyone plays along and joins her and shouts and bellows and laughs. Oh the excitement of the moment missed by sleeping beauties on the sofa waiting for that kiss from some prince pauper peeking where he has no business and making empty deposits of fortunes promised and never fully realized. None of us ever really stay where we belong. All these smiling faces are the promised spoils of climbing over fences and exploring back yards and running away for a few hours and never settling for the threat of that nice, neat guidebook that was never distributed.

Oh the soiled pants and ripped shirts and missing braziers and socks thrown across the room! Oh the missing shoes and torn egos and blistered virginities and that teary eyed girl apologizing on her phone to a wrong number in some state she's never been. Oh the smoking smokers who don't really smoke but refuse to turn down anything on a night so positive and clear, a night so foggy and misconstrued and teased and tarnished and beautifully painted with well traveled tongues having had the pleasure of exploring many mouths and scars and skin and all the unseen. Everyone is well traversed and everyone is bruised. Like a candle the night flickers softer and softly, simmering to a moody cool and purple, the feel of a soft pillow is everywhere.

Oh the mundane nights! Oh the stellar! Oh the splendor of life as heart rates rise and fall and submit. How the cool bountiful air runs up and down my hand randomly interlocked with yours. Your lips wreak peach and chomp on bubble gum and cigarettes and gleam in the moon light. Everything has a current, everything a free flowing waterfall, only stopping to let go, leak into the bushes or spew on the front porch next to shiny new shoes and raven red lips squealing, only stopping to clinch on to scrapped knees after the tumble over the curb and slimy kiss in the gutter. How we'll march to the beach like ancient armies, we'll be swans on the lake or mermaids clamoring for air as we lay star struck on the sand, reaching for the heavens and squeezing the sky into submission just before we tumble around on the sand in confusion and delight.

Oh the rearranged mornings! The feeling lost and the feeling of being lost. How the face staring back at me is not the face I remember and the face breathing down my neck is one I’ve never seen and my socks are no where to be found while my pants lay sprawled across the floor having scurried away from my hips hours ago. The aroma of the room is no longer the fine stench of surplus and excess and singing, dancing, drowning roust, but rather an odd scent of dimness and down and dreary, muddy eyed, mistakes and regrets beneath the throbbing walls and expanding craniums. Oh the sunlight tearing through my skin and eating away at my eyes as I walk out the front door! Oh the painful, piercing steps down the sidewalk towards anywhere! The morning is lost and the day scatters.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Paint Set Sun Set

Old one.

Paint Set Sun Set

God tried to paint the sunset tonight,
but I think His paint set spilled.
Cause the sky was pink and the clouds were gold
and my heart was filled, my tears took hold
and I let go of the steering wheel
came crashing into the highway divider.

Wake up, find the world stopped;
the world all frozen and still.
Tears clinging to my mother's cheek
as she grasps the telephone screaming,
choking and hoping out of disbelief;
grabbing on to anything she can throw.

My eyes open and watch it again.
rewinding and finding the exact moment
I gave up and let go,
let God take hold, let God take control.
Watching my car come crashing down,
spinning around, exploding upon hitting the ground.
Somehow worse than dreams of drowning,
explosions and Trojan wars and nights,
cold nights sleeping on the floor.

Life flashes by backwards from there:
the accident, my last night, and so on.
Watching every tear and every smile in reverse.
My birth, mother's arms welcoming
me to this curse, this life free,
this life that overwhelmed me and pushed
and pulled and ate away till I asked,
begged and pleaded to be taken.